The hit sitcom “Modern Family” is set to end next year. But fear not. There are any number of other modern families to observe, now that our long-running favorite is disbanding, including the following:
A Guatemalan child is held at a border detention facility in Arizona; his parents are held at a border detention facility in Texas.
A throuple of parents, and they’re all running for President in 2020.
The man is pregnant. (Well, he’s not, but he does frequently use the phrase “We’re pregnant.”)
The former president of Dartmouth’s Kappa Alpha frat has kids, and he thinks it’s funny to name all of them Chad (and, honestly, it is!).
Jeff Bezos’s seventy billion dollars and MacKenzie Bezos’s seventy million dollars really miss each other following the divorce, so they decide to live in the same bank account, despite being legally separated.
Siri and Alexa give birth to Spotify’s newest feature.
Ariana Grande, Pete Davidson, Kate Beckinsale, and Ariana’s pig all appear on the cover of Us Weekly together.
The Dartmouth frat boy takes Marie Kondo a bit too seriously, and there goes one of his Chads—oops! Chad is out on his own.
Everyone indicted by Robert Mueller comes together for a Thanksgiving potluck. Sure, they all hate each other, but no more than their wives do!
A woman sells her eggs. Another family buys her frozen eggs. They want to defrost them, but everyone knows that microwaved eggs are gross. They end up buying Kondo’d Chad’s sperm. This is the money Chad needs to finally turn his life around.
“Harry & Meghan: Civilian Edition.” (Meghan is allowed to tweet.)
Anyone literate and Mitch McConnell give birth to half-literate children.
The frozen-egg baby (which is, thankfully, not what they call her) is born and actually prefers oat milk.
We see a rise in the “government-mandated family”—families that “form” after the government outlaws abortion.
An American family, but now they’re in Canada, for obvious reasons.
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Chad marries a woman who is then murdered. The murder is the subject of season twelve of “Serial.” Through this newfound podcast fame, Chad meets Tricia, whose spouse’s murder is covered on “My Favorite Murder.” They live a traumatized life together, never being able to sleep at the same time, but they do go on each other’s podcasts and break the charts.
Netflix stops letting multiple people use the same password, so an entire immediate family (all forty-seven of them—birth control is now illegal, too) get together every weekend to binge-watch season nineteen of “Stranger Things.” They don’t speak a word to one another, mostly because they can’t keep one another’s names straight.
The frozen-egg baby lives at home until she’s forty, and, honestly, whatever; it’s not a big deal.
Chad and Tricia become a contemporary Romeo and Juliet: she’s a raw-food vegan; he’s paleo; their families don’t approve. She dies of anemia, and, because of his history with wives dying, he gets blamed.
Trump has amended the Constitution and is serving his sixth term as President. (It’s not Howard Schultz’s fault, but it’s not not his fault.) The population of the United States is now five billion people. It’s too many people; Fifth Avenue is renamed “The Line for the Met.” Despite incessant calls for his resignation, Trump declares the United States one big happy family, which makes it the most modern family of all.
Chad, looking to redeem himself, decides to be the one to finally unseat Trump. Even though some people think that he’s a murderer, the popularity of “Serial” enables him to carry the vote, and he wins! He doesn’t have a First Family, but he does invite the frozen-egg baby to come live with him in the White House, in a historic first.
Trump, in a fit of rage, abandons his own family and leaves the country, which leads to the final, modernest of the modern families. . . .
Melania Trump, free at last.