Texting About Something Other Than Making Plans: Do you think we’re ready to start sending each other memes? Because I saw one of a cat, I remembered that you have a plant, and I was, like, “Whoa, another living thing”—same color, too. (You should water your plant.)

Admitting You Didn’t Watch His/Her TV Recommendation: Because I value you, and because I don’t smoke weed, I need you to know that I will not even pretend to watch “Adventure Time.”

Asking His/Her Last Name: I do not know your last name because I did not look you up by Googling the two pieces of information that you listed on Tinder. But maybe it’s time to change your contact info in my phone to something other than “Mike Tinder 3.”

Stating Your True Dietary Restrictions: I’m a vegetarian for ethical reasons. Eating meat goes against everything I believe in. I only ate a burger those fourteen times so that you’d think I was a “chill girl.” Are we steady-ish enough for me to admit that you’ve made me abandon principles I’ve had since childhood?

Introducing Him/Her to Your Friends but Having Them Pretend You’ve Never Mentioned the Relationship: Want to go to my friend Kate’s birthday? Don’t worry, she won’t know who you are because I definitely didn’t make her spend four hours deciphering the meaning of your “fun hang last night” text.

Being Honest About Why You’re Blowing Him/Her Off: Have we been seeing each other long enough for me to say that I don’t want to get together because I want to play Grand Theft Auto? I know a few weeks ago I told you my grandma died, but that was actually me just wanting to play a video game, too. Anyway, we’re in a different place now—I’m feeling really good about us!

Meeting Each Other’s Grandmothers: She lives!

Saying His/Her First Name Out Loud: Look, I know it’ll be extremely intimate, but could I start by saying your first name out loud only during sex, and then if that goes O.K. maybe in a few weeks we could talk about doing it during foreplay, too?

Following Him/Her on Twitter: I check your Twitter every fifteen minutes, but I just want to know if it’d be cool if I went a step further and followed you. (This isn’t something I normally bring up in the first two years.)

Asking If That Tweet Was About You: It’s fine if you use my toothbrush, ha ha, and totally fine if that was about some other girl’s toothbrush, ha ha ha—no pressure!!

Realizing You Can’t Ghost: I hope it gives you great comfort to know that if I were to blow you off now, I’d at least send a text, or at minimum respond to your Instagram story with a peace-out emoji.

Moving In Together, but Just to Split the Rent: Are we ready to save two hundred dollars a month and hate everything about each other?

Beginning the Process of Talking About Being Exclusive: I don’t want to be exclusive yet, even though I haven’t slept with anyone else in four years (we met six months ago), but I know that because you are a “man” I will have to badger you about it for five months. So, could we start the process of discussing exclusivity at some point in the next lunar cycle?

Adding Him/Her Into Your Instagram Story: Just kidding—this comes after marriage or possibly death, whichever occurs first.

Breaking Up: I’d like to officially state that we’re no longer hanging regularly, and also we never were.